The sun not only started peeking out, it stayed out. Folks started moving about more. From huddling out of the wind to scattering around the tables, standing in groups. Growing up on the prairie, you learned that you get the weather you get. Make the most of it. It was the second day of an all school reunion and a few grades had settled in around an inviting setup by a master organizer.
Ah, the warmth of 70 degrees, bright sunshine, and the prairie wind dying down. A few more people moving around. The music a little louder to reach a bit farther. Laughter expanding.
A couple friends started tossing a football near us. So relaxed, so casual. A spark inside me felt energized to mix up their rhythm, add a challenge. I pondered during a few more passes back and forth. Felt into their timing to prepare my launch for the surprise interception. The ball left John’s hand and Pete nonchalantly waited for its arrival.
I turned and made my move. I was focused on the ball spiraling through the air. Could see it landing in my arms, Pete none the wiser. Ooh, new perspective in a split second - I was going to be a step short and have to stretch for it. No problem I was focused. Could visualize it. SO focused. Stretch. Reach. Little lift off the left foot…
Ker-flump!
My whole left side was in full contact with the ground! Little dust in my smile. Eyes wide open, seeing Pete reach out a hand to pull me up, no ball in sight.
What happened?!
My Chaco snagged on a piece of concrete foundation in the grass just as I was reaching. I knew it was there. We’d been mingling around the area for hours. It was three sides of a rectangle, barely above the ground. Foundation from a building that had been torn down. But, I was so focused on the interception. The rest of the context, including that concrete rubble, left my awareness.
I felt a little embarrassed, but mostly remained playful. I kicked off the sandals and we kept throwing it around. It was a small town. Boys grew up having girls on their team. As another friend commented, the girls sometimes even beat the boys…just sayin’. 😉
It’s what made it so easy to pick up with people we hadn’t seen for decades in some cases. Nostalgia. Playfulness. Laughter. Despite the missed interception.
It wasn’t until a couple hours later that I noticed the tightness. Time for some ice. The gait got imbalanced. Dang. There was ‘80s music with a live band coming for the night. It became apparent the side of the foot did more than catch on the rubble. It began communicating to me with each step, and it was angry!
As I watched others dance that evening, I felt grateful for the restorative nervous system and energetic work. It expanded my trust in interoceptive listening, my access to deep feelings of gratitude for care extended by others, and, surprisingly, the absence of judging, critical self-talk. Not to mention physical resilience. My growth in whole-person health became so inwardly apparent. Gratitude and continued playfulness accompanied each tender hobble.
As for the deeper insights, they naturally came later as the full range of emotions continued to flow. More gratitude for no longer being an emotional stuffer and trusting them as a guidance system. The many times I focused on what I ‘should’ do with blinders to the full context and implications.
I processed the times I had
· Focused on the completion of a work report after the kids went to bed to keep the research team on their timeline, ignoring the strong signals from my body that sleep was necessary.
· Focused on helping my daughter get her assignment done, missing the body language that her most important need at the moment was to feel seen - a biological necessity to feel secure in her expanding world.
· Focused to catch a flight for a work event, as I minimized the scared look on my son’s face as they tended an injury.
· Focused on getting people to listen to each other with process and skills, ignorant to the layers of protection that lay within them making listening inaccessible.
· Focused on staying in my neutral facilitator hat during cost cutting decisions, holding back voice on the 10x hit they’d experience in lost morale and collaboration.
Sometimes the unintended consequences are only on ourselves. Not always. Humans are dynamic systems. Needs may be separated in time or space, yet they are dynamically inseparable.
The past eight years studying and applying expansive (pushed aside) research about human dynamics as a complex trauma therapist have fundamentally changed my understanding of leadership. Leading people has to start with self-leadership.
There’s a natural, developmental progression for effectively leading others that is from the inside out. Adding layers of competencies only creates internal conflicts that nonconsciously come into the dynamics. They’ve been hiding in plain sight. Until now.
We are continually affecting each other, if we see it or not. The implications are often more significant than six weeks in a walking boot for a metatarsal to repair.
When have you noticed being so focused that you were blind to something else in the context that was equally or more important? Please share in the comments.
If you’d like to expand your capacity for natural leadership, send me a DM. Inseparability of personal, leadership, and systemic needs can make change simple, once you see the complexity.